Some days I feel so blessed I could burst with joy. Today is, surprisingly, one of those days. Why surprising? This was my first week back to work after a three month leave of absence. Besides having to juggle a new baby, going back to work, and housework, I had to find time for some sleep! Being a parent, a mother, has been the most challenging, rewarding, and astonishing thing that has ever happened to me. NO ONE can ever prepare you for what you are getting into it. Not for lack of trying, it's just not something you can fully comprehend until it happens to you.

I've been feeling a lot of emotions this week. The biggest being fear. Not fear of leaving my baby, she is being cared for by the best people that love her as much as I do. Not fear of going back to work, or being exhausted, or not being able to handle being both a good mom and a good employee. My fear was that I would be better at my job than at being a mom. I've always been a worker. I like working. I like supporting myself. I like being able to put in my hours and then leave. I know I'm good at what I do and I enjoy doing it. Being a mom- not so much.

Of course I love Natalie. My love for my daughter will never be called into question. But enjoy being a mom? It's hard. I'm never quite sure I'm doing the right thing. Or, if I'm doing the right thing now, what about later? She's so happy and smiley now. Will that change? Will she struggle with depression? Will she think about hurting herself? Will she be sexually promiscuous? Will she grow to hate me? What if she thinks I'm a horrible mom and vows to never be like me? These questions plague me. It's exhausting to constantly be caring for another person. You will never get to just sit down and zone out. Long day at work? Need 15 minutes to just unwind? Too bad- you are now a parent. Even if your spouse is nice enough to let you take a bubble bath while they take care of the kid(s), you are going to spend that time in the tub thinking about what's next on your to-do list, what there is to make for supper, and everything else you should be doing besides taking time for yourself.

But when I come home from work, get the details on how Natalie was, when she last ate, and anything else that might be relevant, I can't wait to hold her. To cuddle with her, kiss her, and smell in her sweet baby smell. I am good at my job. I like my job. But I love my daughter. I love being a wife and having a family of my own. I love my in-laws, and I love the family that raised me. I feel lucky knowing that, even though times are hard, I AM BLESSED!