I'm on Empty

My empathy bucket is empty. My give-a-damn is busted. However you choose to word it, I just don't care.

I really try hard not to rant or be negative. But there are times like this that I just can't help it. There are some people in my life, (who happen to be related, so good luck just getting rid of them!) that bathe in self pity. If they get pulled over for speeding, it's not because they were doing 65 mph in a 55 mph. Oh no, the cop must know of (insert random name here) and are out to get me. The dog gets hit my a car- it was on purpose... I seen them swerve just to hit it. They look for people to take pity on them. To hear "oh poor, poor (insert name)", is like hearing a compliment to them. I honestly don't think they can ever be happy, or grateful, for what they have in life. If something doesn't go wrong, they'll make it go wrong. They're sneaky and conniving like that. That drama is what gets them out of bed each morning.

I know that everyone falls on hard time. There are just some weeks (or months!) where you cannot catch a break. The washer needs to be replaced, the car broke down, and you have to pay the dentist out the whazoo to fix the tooth you chipped! But even during those times, there are silver linings. You just need to look for them. These people, however, will take those silver linings and make a noose out of them! And, after you've bent over backwards trying to help them or been shoulder to cry on, they find fault with something you've done. So finally, you get tired of their black hole of negativity and tell them- "if you don't like it, change it already!" If your me, this is followed by some very mean words, a couple of emails from them and other family members (who, of course, heard how awful you've been to "poor _____"), a few nasty messages on facebook, and multiple posts that are aimed towards you.

I'm an open person. As far as having secrets is concerned, I can't keep my mouth shut long enough. So if someone is mad at me and calling me names behind my back, I will openly call them out in front of everybody. Why? Because if you don't have the balls to say it to my face, within hearing distance (or facebook distance!) of other family members, than maybe you should reconsider telling all your lies. If your offended I call you out when your being mean and unreasonable, then you need to look in instead of out. Maybe, just maybe, the problem is you and not the rest of the world.

I do complain. I am unreasonable at times. But if I sit down and think about things, I can be pretty objective. I have been known to lash out then get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness. Not this time. I'm not asking for an all out brawl, just a little respect for my decision to not have this person in my life. I'm civil at functions that we all have to attend. But don't ask me to go out of my way for this person. I've already done that and it's gotten me no where. And don't you dare judge me without knowing the full story! Frankly, I don't have the energy to argue with you and I just don't care.

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Some days I feel so blessed I could burst with joy. Today is, surprisingly, one of those days. Why surprising? This was my first week back to work after a three month leave of absence. Besides having to juggle a new baby, going back to work, and housework, I had to find time for some sleep! Being a parent, a mother, has been the most challenging, rewarding, and astonishing thing that has ever happened to me. NO ONE can ever prepare you for what you are getting into it. Not for lack of trying, it's just not something you can fully comprehend until it happens to you.

I've been feeling a lot of emotions this week. The biggest being fear. Not fear of leaving my baby, she is being cared for by the best people that love her as much as I do. Not fear of going back to work, or being exhausted, or not being able to handle being both a good mom and a good employee. My fear was that I would be better at my job than at being a mom. I've always been a worker. I like working. I like supporting myself. I like being able to put in my hours and then leave. I know I'm good at what I do and I enjoy doing it. Being a mom- not so much.

Of course I love Natalie. My love for my daughter will never be called into question. But enjoy being a mom? It's hard. I'm never quite sure I'm doing the right thing. Or, if I'm doing the right thing now, what about later? She's so happy and smiley now. Will that change? Will she struggle with depression? Will she think about hurting herself? Will she be sexually promiscuous? Will she grow to hate me? What if she thinks I'm a horrible mom and vows to never be like me? These questions plague me. It's exhausting to constantly be caring for another person. You will never get to just sit down and zone out. Long day at work? Need 15 minutes to just unwind? Too bad- you are now a parent. Even if your spouse is nice enough to let you take a bubble bath while they take care of the kid(s), you are going to spend that time in the tub thinking about what's next on your to-do list, what there is to make for supper, and everything else you should be doing besides taking time for yourself.

But when I come home from work, get the details on how Natalie was, when she last ate, and anything else that might be relevant, I can't wait to hold her. To cuddle with her, kiss her, and smell in her sweet baby smell. I am good at my job. I like my job. But I love my daughter. I love being a wife and having a family of my own. I love my in-laws, and I love the family that raised me. I feel lucky knowing that, even though times are hard, I AM BLESSED!

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New Beginnings?

Up until two days ago, I was ecstatic to go back to work after having three months of maternity leave off. I get bored. I like working. I like talking to adults. I've always been independent and driven. So imagine my surprise when I woke up yesterday feeling incredibly sad that this is the last week I get to spend as a stay at home mommy. It wasn't just a little sad, feeling down, but still able to laugh. This was a cry on and off, have and anxiety attack sad. What if she does something really cute and I don't get to see it? Or what if, while I'm at work, she says her first word, or starts crawling? What if it's not the milestones I miss, but just simply holding her? Kissing her soft little head and marveling at the fact that she's mine? What if she gets sick and it's not her mommy that's nurturing her but someone else? These thoughts are driving me crazy! I'm not the one that is suppose to think like this! I'm the one people couldn't imagine even being a mom! No that is not an exaggeration! I actually had someone say to me "if you and so&so (name protected for feelings sake) can do it, I know I can!" So why am I crawling into a dark hole of despair thinking about having to leave her 8 hrs/day, 5 days/week?!

I'm not dropping her off at some random persons house or a daycare center where she'll be one of ten kids to one adult. My wonderful mother-in-law and my sister are taking up babysitting duties. I could not be more grateful or pick out two better people for Natalie to stay with. Even when I'm there with them and they interact with her, I feel inadequate. They can sit there and just talk with her for a full hour. They don't lose patience like I do. I couldn't be more blessed that they are able to watch her.

I'm not nervous to go back to work. In fact, I'm excited! Two of my least favorite people are no longer working there:) Not to mention, a lot of my coworkers are also my friends. Not just "work friends" but friends I actually call up to hang out with and vice versa. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little anxious. But it's more like a first day of school anxious- What if I wake up late, or forget my pants? :)

I've struggled with a lot of thoughts these past three months. Most of it is normal, I'm sure. Some of it is baby blues, and some are issues I've dealt with as long as I can remember. The first two weeks after I had Natalie I cursed God for thinking I could handle being a mom. I prayed that He would make me infertile so I would never think that I was able to be a parent again. Some of you know, others don't, but Kenny and I tried for 2 years to conceive. We miscarried an Angel baby. And here I was asking for infertility! When I was 17, I had a cyst rupture on my ovary. It had to be cauterized to stop the bleeding. The doc said I would have trouble conceiving. Of course, I really didn't care that much at that time. I was NOT thinking about having kids and, in truth, I really didn't care for kids all that much. Sure, some of them were cute. But most were spoiled brats that bothered the H-E- double hockey sticks outta me. And after raising myself and my sister since I was 15, I thought I pretty much paid my dues in the whole being a "parent" department. I couldn't wait to have only me, myself, and I to worry about. Ten years later, that sentiment has changed- a little.

So here I am with this gorgeous little girl. She's a wonderful baby! She doesn't sleep thru the night and gets fussy when her tummy hurts, but she smiles at me, and turns her head to my voice. She's mine. And I love her more than life itself. My life and all the thoughts I've had about my life are changing. I spend most of the little time I have to myself daydreaming about the woman she's going to become. I can't wait until she starts running around and talking, all the while I mourn the newborn she once was. I'm learning, slowly, what it is to be a parent. I'm still trying to swallow that pill that everything I do is based on my baby. No longer is it okay to stop what I'm doing to meet a friend for lunch or go get some drinks with the ladies after work. I have to worry about finding a babysitter. And if I do go out, I may have a babysitter that night, but not the next day when I'm feeling the side effects from drinking one too many summer shandys.

So, through all this, I figured out I'm human. I am a new mom. And regardless of what people think, I was meant to be a mom. Heavenly Father doesn't mess up. Some of us just take a little longer to fill our roles. But if you could keep me in your prayers as I navigate this new adventure, I would be grateful!

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Happy Birthday, Kenny!

There have been a million different times I wanted to sit down and write. If for nothing more than to get something off my chest. I know it sounds funny to those who know me, but I really try hard to keep my tongue in check and not rant about people or things that annoy me. If I didn't I would be writing everyday, sometimes twice:) I think if I don't have anything interesting to say, I won't write anything. But really, saying nothing is way more boring than just popping in for a paragraph or two!

Today (March 27th) is my wonderful husband's 30th birthday. I am so grateful for him. How the heck did I get so lucky as to land him?! He's an amazing person and an amazing husband. He's always there to listen to me, to hug me when I need it, to make me laugh.

I love how he's such a big kid at heart. For his birthday, we went to an arcade and then a water park. His 30th birthday, mind you! He has his own toy room that is painted red on the bottom and white on top with a Spiderman border separating the two. He has a lot of toys from his childhood and a whole bunch of Spiderman stuff in there. There are also bunk beds with Spiderman bedding on them! We have one bathroom done in rubber duckies and another in cartoon sea creatures. Our computer room has Ariel all over the walls. Right now, Kenny is sitting in front of his computer, wearing his marvel comic pajama pants and Spiderman shirt playing a video game. I have to mention that we are the only two living here. No little kids to account for any of the toys, cartoons and movies, or decor we have! Of course, in about 8 weeks, that will change!

Which brings me to the next reason I am so in love with my husband- He's going to be a wonderful dad. He's already incredible with my nephew's and niece. He has been so supportive and attentive to me during this entire pregnancy. He's gone to all my doctor's appointments with me. I feel so blessed knowing that, God forbid, anything were to happen to me, our child would not lack ANYTHING! I'm not just talking material things, but I know she wouldn't lack anything emotionally. I already know that she's going to be "daddy's girl". I can't blame her. Who wouldn't look up to this man with out anything but admiration?

Kenny is the "whole package". Not only is he fun, and loving, and funny, he's also uber responsible. He's a hard worker with a good job. He's definitely a provider for his family. He's money smart. He's honest and always holds true to his word. He's a good person, thru and thru.

Happy Birthday, Kenny! I can't wait to spend your next thirty years with you!

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My life- as a wife, mother, sister, caregiver, daughter, career woman- uncensored.


Liberal Catholic. Working mom. Chronic pain warrior. Opinionated introvert. I speak fluent sarcasm. I'm married with two kids- a girl and a boy. My son was born with Spina bifida, hydrocephalus, Arnold Chiari malformation, and bilateral club feet. I may blog about food, politics, religion, medical updates, or our life in general.

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