When you become a parent, your life changes in ways you never knew it could. As a first time parent, you constantly wait for things to return to normal. Not realizing until the new normal has already set in, that normal as you knew it, will never return. You become a parent for the second time and you think, "I got this." You know things are going to change and that, instead of waiting for things to get back to normal, you work on adjusting to your new normal. Hopefully, this time, it won't take you so long with this realization and the transition from mother of one to mother of two will go smoother. I don't know if I had a "normal" kid, if this would have happened. But I didn't. I have a special medical needs kid. And I just can't seem to adjust to this new normal.
I'm going to address a very serious, common, hard, private topic. Depression. Not just clinical depression. Not postpartum depression. MY depression. My depression did not start with Tripp. I want to make that clear. Although, for any parent facing a prenatal diagnosis that will impact their child and their families lives, depression is not only a natural reaction, but a common one.  You are not alone. It's ok. We start planning for our child the minute we find out we are pregnant. Anything that impedes that future we have planned for them is seen as a loss. Knowing that your child will have to work harder to have what you or I take for granted can piss you off. We all want better for our children than what we had. To know that we will be bringing them in to this world with a disadvantage is enough to throw the most well balanced person off.
My depression is deeply rooted in my genetics. I don't remember the first time I got into funk I couldn't get out of. I know I was young. I know being female and having hormones didn't help. My depression is more than being weepy and sad. I get angry and agitated.  I take the most benign remarks personally and become aggressive. Not just with words, but physically. My empathy for most is gone. I don't care your circumstance. Man up. My heart hardens. It has to. For my survival. I become an introvert. I don't leave the house unless absolutely necessary. I stop conversing with friends. Showering becomes a daily goal instead of an activity. I eat. I sleep. Oh Lord, I love sleep. Except the recurrent dreams I have.  For me, it's high school. All I want to do is graduate with my class in Elmwood, but I can't. I've already graduated, so have they. Instead, I'm stuck trying to fit in with a class that doesn't know me and doesn't care to get to know me.  They have a history and I'm not a part of it. Yet, I moved, so I'm no longer a part of Elmwood '03. So I'm stuck in a sort of school purgatory. Every time I close my eyes, the dream starts again. It starts with my going away party and ends with a graduation I can't see.
Depressions goal is to alienate you. It wants you to feel bitterly alone. I know this. Yet I fight against it every time. It takes effort to text my friends. Making plans? You cannot imagine the excuses I make up in my head to cancel. The effort it takes to go out, pretend everything is ok, even laugh, joke around, is PHENOMINAL! I cannot tell you how exhausted I am after an outing. It takes me days to recover. I am so glad I went. Moments like those chase the dark to the farthest corners of my soul, but it takes a lot out of me, both emotionally and physically.
I want to thank my friends and family that don't give up on me. Those that stick up for me and have my back when all others seem to give up and walk away. You have no idea what a kind word or a stance against those that don't understand means to me. Life