What a crazy August this has been. Between appointments, birthdays, fairs, and work, life has been more than crazy! I wanted to update all of you in blog land about our big appointment on Monday, August 4th.

We had a full day scheduled at Abbott, Children's hospital, The Mother Baby Center, and the SB clinic. We started with a non stress test (nst) to measure the baby's movements and uterine contractions. Baby B decided to be an overachiever and had 5 "accelerations" (that is what they call it when baby moves and heart rate goes up by at least 10) within a few minutes. They look for 2 within 15 or so minutes. Than we had a growth ultrasound and biophysical profile (bpp). Baby B's head grew and he is now measuring in the 15th percentile and NO hydrocephalus! So his head is getting bigger in the best way possible. That is such a relief for me. It takes one thing off our plate of things to worry about. They told us that they were also looking for practicing breathing, but it would not be a big deal if he wasn't yet doing because I was not quite 32 weeks. But he was doing that the whole time we were looking at him. I think God knew we needed some good news and a sign that he was doing all right. They also look for muscle movement and amniotic fluid levels. Between the nst and bpp, he scored a 10 out of 10. 8 out of 10 is passing and anything less wins you an overnight stay at the hospital with more tests and monitoring. After this, we met with Dr. Ney. She is one of the 8 or so physicians that I will be seeing and may deliver my baby.

We then toured the birth center where I will be delivering. Kenny and I have been talking about whether or not I should have a repeat C-section or try a vbac, or vaginal birth after cesarean. With Natalie, I labored a long time, was fully dilated, and then had to have an emergency C-section because her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. I do not want to go through another unplanned C-section, so I will admit that I am scared to try a vbac. Not only because it sucks to go through all the nasty parts of labor, but I'm also scared I won't know when I start to go into labor. You think I would have figured it out since I've been through it before, but I am seriously afraid I wouldn't know. With Natalie, I didn't really know that my water had broke. It wasn't like the movies. There was no big "whoosh" of fluid. I had a small leak in my bag and wasn't going to get it checked out. Thank heaven I worked with a nurse who was also a friend, and listened to her insistence that I go in to be checked out! So we told the nurse that was showing us around that we weren't sure what we were going to do in terms of delivery. She showed a post partum room for C-sections, but didn't show us the vaginal birthing rooms or regular post partum rooms because they were all full.

Next, we met with the Mother Baby/Children's social worker. We took a tour of the NICU and had what would happen after I delivered explained to us. The social worker told us that the baby would be held up for me to see and then taken to another room where he would be checked over by the neonatalogist, respiratory therapist, the spina bifida specialist, a nurse, the anesthesiologist, and who knows who else. He would then be brought to the NICU just down the hall from where my room is. She showed us how we would get to the NICU "after the initial separation." I lost it at that phrase folks. The last thing you want to think about after giving birth to the baby that has been inside of you for 9 months, is that you will be separated from them. I want my baby put on my chest. I want to kiss him and welcome him to this world. I want to see his face, look into his eyes, count his fingers and toes. I want to explore this little human that has already made a place in my heart. Walking through the NICU was just as hard as hearing those words. Seeing all the babies in there that are so sick, so tiny, tubes coming out of every orifice is heart breaking. Seeing the ones without anybody in there was devastating. For all I know, the parent(s) could have been using the bathroom, taking a lunch break, attending to other kids at home... but just knowing that, for that instant, they are alone is such a scary place upset me greatly. 

After the NICU tour, we grabbed lunch and then were off to meet with the neurosurgeon, Dr. Najib. I try and not judge people before I meet them, but I had started imagining what he would be like based on his title alone- pediatric neurosurgeon. I thought he was going to be a no nonsense, tired looking, a little jaded, and pompous jerk.  He was anything but. He came to the waiting room to greet us, brought us back to his office, and talked to us like we were on the same level as him. He was upbeat and positive, saying that the baby looks better than he thought he would and this should all go on without a hitch. He wasn't arrogant about how good he was and this was only going to go so well because he's awesome. He was just very reassuring and kind. Both Kenny and I walked out of his office feeling 10 lbs lighter. 

Dr. Marker was the last doc of the day we were to meet with. He's an infectious disease doctor by trade, but is apparently one of the leading physicians on sb. I will be honest, when I left his office, I was crabby. I had questions that I wanted answered. I'm a realist. I know that some things might happen, some things might not happen. It will depend on my baby and what is found when he is born. But this doctor did not give us any information we didn't already know. He stressed the fact that this was going to be hard on our relationships. Not just with each other, but with family and friends also. He told us to talk. Hold hands. Kiss. Go on dates. Really?! We know that this is a major stresser on our relationship. We can already feel it wearing on us. What I want to know is if my baby's kidney pressure will be measure before he leaves the hospital so we will know whether or not he will have to come home being cathed? Are there leg exercises we will have to start right away to build up strength in his legs? Please don't be my marriage counselor when I need you to be an authoritative figure on my son's condition. 

All in all, I would say every one is extremely helpful, friendly, and empathetic. We are very blessed to live so close to an amazing facility like this and have access to this type of care. We are continuing to pray for a miracle and Baby B will come out with as little wrong as possible.

Wednesday, July 30th, we went to Abbott Northwest for a fetal MRI of baby B. After that, we were scheduled to meet with a doctor for a "transfer of care" appointment. This appointment was for me to meet the new doc that would be taking over my OB care until I deliver and for them to get to know us and our expectations/desires for the remaining pregnancy.
After being brought 3 different places, we finally arrived where we were suppose to be for the MRI. I have had MRI's before, so I kind of new what to expect. I was to lay very still in a small tube for about 30 minutes. This appointment was early in the morning, so I had no problems just laying there! I was told to hold my breath anywhere from 20 to 30 seconds. This is where things got tricky. I'm overweight and 31 weeks pregnant, lying flat on my back. Breathing was already compromised, but then I was to hold my breath over and over again for them to get all the images they needed. It not only depended on me holding my breath, but also for baby B to cooperate and hold still. Needless to say, it took a lot longer than it was suppose to!
After the MRI, I was on my way to my doctor's appointment. I had to fill paperwork out that asked the same information I had already given to the social worker, genetic counselor, and nurse manager, all of whom were with the same office. The nurse came in to go over the paperwork with me, (all the same information was in their computer system) and to get my vitals and collect urine. In the middle of talking, their came a very annoying and loud buzz from the hallway. It was the fire alarm. Kenny, Natalie, and I were then ushered from the room and had to go down five flights of stairs and outside. When the fire department arrived, we were given the all clear to go back in. The appointment resumed and a nurse midwife came in to talk to us. Again, I was asked to go over my history and asked the same questions. Then we were told we would have to come back to meet with the doctor for the second part of the transfer of care. At this point, I was crabby. Not just annoyed crabby, but angry crabby. On Monday we have 8 hours of appointments we need to be there for and you want to fit one more redundant one in?! Why the heck can't we do it all at once? Or better yet, can't they just read the notes and only talk to us about things we haven't been over ten times before? This is a 45 minute drive one way, 3 hour appointment, and we have to pay almost 10 bucks in parking EVERY time we go.
 Now I am going to say that I am truly grateful that there are places like this out there, giving our baby every advantage he can get. I appreciate they are so thorough and take the time to get to know us and make sure nothing is being missed. I just wish they were a little more respectful of our time and how this diagnoses has completely turned our lives around. For those who have gone through something like this, I'm sure you can relate to what I'm about to say next: I want things to go back to normal. I crave normalcy. I know that I will have to get used to this new normal. But right now, I just want some sort of routine or some sort of resemblance of what my life was pre-sb diagnoses. Now, instead of fitting OB appointments in when I have off work, driving to my local OB's office that is in the same town I live in, and my doctor knowing me, my history, and all my preferences, I get to start over at a new clinic, with new doctors that don't know me and I will probably (God willing) never see after I deliver, taking full days off to go and see, and driving an hour and a half to go to. It's just been very overwhelming and has taken a toll on my mood.
After my appointment, I had to go into work. I was not in the best mood. Some days are okay, some days aren't. This was definitely not a good day for me. That all changed when I got a text from a friend who is expecting a boy that she has decided to place for adoption. She wanted to tell me that she has decided to give her baby to a couple that I introduced her to! I was, and am, ecstatic! This couple is made up of my best friend (and husband's cousin), and her awesome hubby. After trying fertility treatments for about two years, they decided to look into adoption. If you aren't familiar with adoption or know very much about it, I highly encourage you to look into it. It's an amazing thing that my family has been blessed by a few times. (Both sides of it- adopting a child and placing one for adoption.) This gives them a little under 2 months to get all their affairs in order. I will write more about this at a later time, as this entry is already fairly long. I am asking for your prayers for both the birth mom and the (hopefully soon-to-be) adoptive parents. I pray that the whole adoption process will go smooth, that God grant's the birth mother "His peace, which transcends all understanding" (Phil. 4:7) in her decision, and that, above all, His will in this child's life will be done. Thank you for your prayers and support!
Thursday, I was called with the MRI results. The good news is nothing has changed from the ultrasound. The spine splits where they thought it did, the chiari malformation is a level 2, which is what they were guessing, and NO signs of hydrocephalus, which is wonderful.

This week we have a fetal MRI scheduled. This will give us a more in depth look at baby B's spine
to see where it splits. An ultrasound showed it was right at the bottom of L4, beginning of L5. Hopefully this will confirm that, or place it lower. (I'm crossing my fingers for lower!) We will also get to see the Chiari malformation in more detail.
A week from today is the BIG appointment. Our day will start at 0730 at Abbott Northwestern and the Perinatology Clinic of MN.  From there we will go to The Mother Baby Center and meet with the NICU staff. We will also get a tour as this is where baby B will be for the first couple of weeks of his life. After that, we will get to meet the neurosurgeon that will be doing the surgery to close the spine. We will meet with a doctor that specializes in sb, a social worker, and a nurse manager that will be our go to person. We will also get another look at baby B as they do a growth ultrasound. I believe our last appointment is scheduled at 1545. I will be wiped after that, but hopefully I will go to sleep having most of my questions answered.
After a lot of "why me" questions to God, I was lead to the Bible to look for comfort. My aunt had sent my a verse that I took great comfort in, and I was looking in up when I came across the story of Hannah and Samuel. It's about a faithful woman who prays to God for a child. She tells God that if he grants her that request, she will give her son to the Lord. God grants her this and she brings Samuel to the temple to serve God all the days of his life. This story brought to mind Abraham, Sarah, and their son. God granted them a child in their old age, but then asked Abraham to sacrifice the child. For Abraham's faithfulness, God spared the child. At this point, my mind went to Mary, mother of God. The holy spirit told her that she was chosen to carry a special child. Many times, over the course of Jesus's life, Mary had to let him go. First when he was a child and went to the temple, and last when he was crucified. My thoughts, besides I'm in the company of some great women, were feelings of honor and blessings. For whatever reason, GOD CHOSE US to be this special child's parents. I don't know why. I'm not as holy, honorable, or faithful as these woman of the Bible. But yet, I am being given a child whom I have prayed for, asked for, and I know that he will live his life for the glory of God. What parent doesn't want that?
There are still moments when I start crying. When I see a child in a wheelchair, my heart sinks. These are not things I want for my child. But I'm trying to focus on the positive. On the silver linings to every cloud.

We've had a week off from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. We had a week to come to terms with the news that our baby boy (due the end of September) has Spina Bifida (sb). Most days are fine. Our baby is constantly on my mind, but I push the fact that he has a "defect" to the farthest corners of my consciousness, concentrating  more on the fact that he is going to help make our family complete. But today, after getting home from a week up north, it's the only thing on my mind. Waiting in the mail was a letter from the perinatologist's clinic I was seen at 11 days ago. The specialist I was sent to that told us that our baby has mylemenigecele. The most severe form of spina bifida. Apparently, they send follow up letters that detail everything that was talked about at our 3 and a half hour appointment. There, in black and white, it was: "Our ultrasound today confirmed the finding of spina bifida, and associated chiari malformation, and clubfeet." Ouch. I don't remember any other words ever said to me that cut me to my core quite like those did. 
Among the mail was a card sent from a well meaning friend. The card said that they were sorry for news and knew we had "to make the hardest decision" we will ever have to make. That no matter what we decided, it would be the right decision for us and our family. I'm not going to lie. I wanted to rip that card up into the tiniest pieces, crumple them together, and burn them in the hottest fire I could build. I don't know how this person meant what they wrote. What decision did they think we had to make? I can tell you how I took it. I can tell you how I took a couple of other people asking me if we were going to continue our pregnancy. NOT well. Why, in God's holy name, would this child I am carrying- MY CHILD- be any less worthy of life than any other child without a "defect"?! So my child has spina bifida. Would you abort your child if you found out they had an extra toe? I know the difference in diagnoses are huge, but my child is not any less loved or less perfect in my eyes. If you know me well enough to have the audacity to ask that question, then you would already know the answer. If you don't, you obviously shouldn't be asking it!
Waiting to hear what was found on the ultrasound was terrifying. A million different thoughts run through your head. I was actually relieved (a little) to hear that it was sb. At least it is compatible with life. At least I would get to hold, kiss, and bring home my little guy. That being said, I'm still very angry with all of this. I'm mourning the loss of the life I had imagined for my baby boy. I'm angry and sad that he will have to endure so much in life. He will have so many obstacles and I won't be able to fix everything. No parent wants this for their child and I am no different. I pray for the strength and acceptance I will need to help my little man live his life to the fullest. 
My thoughts, feelings, my life, really feel jumbled right now. Some days, I am accepting of the diagnoses. Other days, I can't believe it's happening to our family. I did everything "right". I took a prenatal vitamin before pregnancy. I didn't go in hot tubs, or saunas, or drink, or smoke. The hubby and I don't have a genetic history of birth defects. So why is this happening to us? God knows I am not a patient person, so I don't understand why he would give us a child that needs parents who are. I just don't understand.

My empathy bucket is empty. My give-a-damn is busted. However you choose to word it, I just don't care.

I really try hard not to rant or be negative. But there are times like this that I just can't help it. There are some people in my life, (who happen to be related, so good luck just getting rid of them!) that bathe in self pity. If they get pulled over for speeding, it's not because they were doing 65 mph in a 55 mph. Oh no, the cop must know of (insert random name here) and are out to get me. The dog gets hit my a car- it was on purpose... I seen them swerve just to hit it. They look for people to take pity on them. To hear "oh poor, poor (insert name)", is like hearing a compliment to them. I honestly don't think they can ever be happy, or grateful, for what they have in life. If something doesn't go wrong, they'll make it go wrong. They're sneaky and conniving like that. That drama is what gets them out of bed each morning.

I know that everyone falls on hard time. There are just some weeks (or months!) where you cannot catch a break. The washer needs to be replaced, the car broke down, and you have to pay the dentist out the whazoo to fix the tooth you chipped! But even during those times, there are silver linings. You just need to look for them. These people, however, will take those silver linings and make a noose out of them! And, after you've bent over backwards trying to help them or been shoulder to cry on, they find fault with something you've done. So finally, you get tired of their black hole of negativity and tell them- "if you don't like it, change it already!" If your me, this is followed by some very mean words, a couple of emails from them and other family members (who, of course, heard how awful you've been to "poor _____"), a few nasty messages on facebook, and multiple posts that are aimed towards you.

I'm an open person. As far as having secrets is concerned, I can't keep my mouth shut long enough. So if someone is mad at me and calling me names behind my back, I will openly call them out in front of everybody. Why? Because if you don't have the balls to say it to my face, within hearing distance (or facebook distance!) of other family members, than maybe you should reconsider telling all your lies. If your offended I call you out when your being mean and unreasonable, then you need to look in instead of out. Maybe, just maybe, the problem is you and not the rest of the world.

I do complain. I am unreasonable at times. But if I sit down and think about things, I can be pretty objective. I have been known to lash out then get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness. Not this time. I'm not asking for an all out brawl, just a little respect for my decision to not have this person in my life. I'm civil at functions that we all have to attend. But don't ask me to go out of my way for this person. I've already done that and it's gotten me no where. And don't you dare judge me without knowing the full story! Frankly, I don't have the energy to argue with you and I just don't care.

Some days I feel so blessed I could burst with joy. Today is, surprisingly, one of those days. Why surprising? This was my first week back to work after a three month leave of absence. Besides having to juggle a new baby, going back to work, and housework, I had to find time for some sleep! Being a parent, a mother, has been the most challenging, rewarding, and astonishing thing that has ever happened to me. NO ONE can ever prepare you for what you are getting into it. Not for lack of trying, it's just not something you can fully comprehend until it happens to you.

I've been feeling a lot of emotions this week. The biggest being fear. Not fear of leaving my baby, she is being cared for by the best people that love her as much as I do. Not fear of going back to work, or being exhausted, or not being able to handle being both a good mom and a good employee. My fear was that I would be better at my job than at being a mom. I've always been a worker. I like working. I like supporting myself. I like being able to put in my hours and then leave. I know I'm good at what I do and I enjoy doing it. Being a mom- not so much.

Of course I love Natalie. My love for my daughter will never be called into question. But enjoy being a mom? It's hard. I'm never quite sure I'm doing the right thing. Or, if I'm doing the right thing now, what about later? She's so happy and smiley now. Will that change? Will she struggle with depression? Will she think about hurting herself? Will she be sexually promiscuous? Will she grow to hate me? What if she thinks I'm a horrible mom and vows to never be like me? These questions plague me. It's exhausting to constantly be caring for another person. You will never get to just sit down and zone out. Long day at work? Need 15 minutes to just unwind? Too bad- you are now a parent. Even if your spouse is nice enough to let you take a bubble bath while they take care of the kid(s), you are going to spend that time in the tub thinking about what's next on your to-do list, what there is to make for supper, and everything else you should be doing besides taking time for yourself.

But when I come home from work, get the details on how Natalie was, when she last ate, and anything else that might be relevant, I can't wait to hold her. To cuddle with her, kiss her, and smell in her sweet baby smell. I am good at my job. I like my job. But I love my daughter. I love being a wife and having a family of my own. I love my in-laws, and I love the family that raised me. I feel lucky knowing that, even though times are hard, I AM BLESSED!

Up until two days ago, I was ecstatic to go back to work after having three months of maternity leave off. I get bored. I like working. I like talking to adults. I've always been independent and driven. So imagine my surprise when I woke up yesterday feeling incredibly sad that this is the last week I get to spend as a stay at home mommy. It wasn't just a little sad, feeling down, but still able to laugh. This was a cry on and off, have and anxiety attack sad. What if she does something really cute and I don't get to see it? Or what if, while I'm at work, she says her first word, or starts crawling? What if it's not the milestones I miss, but just simply holding her? Kissing her soft little head and marveling at the fact that she's mine? What if she gets sick and it's not her mommy that's nurturing her but someone else? These thoughts are driving me crazy! I'm not the one that is suppose to think like this! I'm the one people couldn't imagine even being a mom! No that is not an exaggeration! I actually had someone say to me "if you and so&so (name protected for feelings sake) can do it, I know I can!" So why am I crawling into a dark hole of despair thinking about having to leave her 8 hrs/day, 5 days/week?!

I'm not dropping her off at some random persons house or a daycare center where she'll be one of ten kids to one adult. My wonderful mother-in-law and my sister are taking up babysitting duties. I could not be more grateful or pick out two better people for Natalie to stay with. Even when I'm there with them and they interact with her, I feel inadequate. They can sit there and just talk with her for a full hour. They don't lose patience like I do. I couldn't be more blessed that they are able to watch her.

I'm not nervous to go back to work. In fact, I'm excited! Two of my least favorite people are no longer working there:) Not to mention, a lot of my coworkers are also my friends. Not just "work friends" but friends I actually call up to hang out with and vice versa. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little anxious. But it's more like a first day of school anxious- What if I wake up late, or forget my pants? :)

I've struggled with a lot of thoughts these past three months. Most of it is normal, I'm sure. Some of it is baby blues, and some are issues I've dealt with as long as I can remember. The first two weeks after I had Natalie I cursed God for thinking I could handle being a mom. I prayed that He would make me infertile so I would never think that I was able to be a parent again. Some of you know, others don't, but Kenny and I tried for 2 years to conceive. We miscarried an Angel baby. And here I was asking for infertility! When I was 17, I had a cyst rupture on my ovary. It had to be cauterized to stop the bleeding. The doc said I would have trouble conceiving. Of course, I really didn't care that much at that time. I was NOT thinking about having kids and, in truth, I really didn't care for kids all that much. Sure, some of them were cute. But most were spoiled brats that bothered the H-E- double hockey sticks outta me. And after raising myself and my sister since I was 15, I thought I pretty much paid my dues in the whole being a "parent" department. I couldn't wait to have only me, myself, and I to worry about. Ten years later, that sentiment has changed- a little.

So here I am with this gorgeous little girl. She's a wonderful baby! She doesn't sleep thru the night and gets fussy when her tummy hurts, but she smiles at me, and turns her head to my voice. She's mine. And I love her more than life itself. My life and all the thoughts I've had about my life are changing. I spend most of the little time I have to myself daydreaming about the woman she's going to become. I can't wait until she starts running around and talking, all the while I mourn the newborn she once was. I'm learning, slowly, what it is to be a parent. I'm still trying to swallow that pill that everything I do is based on my baby. No longer is it okay to stop what I'm doing to meet a friend for lunch or go get some drinks with the ladies after work. I have to worry about finding a babysitter. And if I do go out, I may have a babysitter that night, but not the next day when I'm feeling the side effects from drinking one too many summer shandys.

So, through all this, I figured out I'm human. I am a new mom. And regardless of what people think, I was meant to be a mom. Heavenly Father doesn't mess up. Some of us just take a little longer to fill our roles. But if you could keep me in your prayers as I navigate this new adventure, I would be grateful!

There have been a million different times I wanted to sit down and write. If for nothing more than to get something off my chest. I know it sounds funny to those who know me, but I really try hard to keep my tongue in check and not rant about people or things that annoy me. If I didn't I would be writing everyday, sometimes twice:) I think if I don't have anything interesting to say, I won't write anything. But really, saying nothing is way more boring than just popping in for a paragraph or two!

Today (March 27th) is my wonderful husband's 30th birthday. I am so grateful for him. How the heck did I get so lucky as to land him?! He's an amazing person and an amazing husband. He's always there to listen to me, to hug me when I need it, to make me laugh.

I love how he's such a big kid at heart. For his birthday, we went to an arcade and then a water park. His 30th birthday, mind you! He has his own toy room that is painted red on the bottom and white on top with a Spiderman border separating the two. He has a lot of toys from his childhood and a whole bunch of Spiderman stuff in there. There are also bunk beds with Spiderman bedding on them! We have one bathroom done in rubber duckies and another in cartoon sea creatures. Our computer room has Ariel all over the walls. Right now, Kenny is sitting in front of his computer, wearing his marvel comic pajama pants and Spiderman shirt playing a video game. I have to mention that we are the only two living here. No little kids to account for any of the toys, cartoons and movies, or decor we have! Of course, in about 8 weeks, that will change!

Which brings me to the next reason I am so in love with my husband- He's going to be a wonderful dad. He's already incredible with my nephew's and niece. He has been so supportive and attentive to me during this entire pregnancy. He's gone to all my doctor's appointments with me. I feel so blessed knowing that, God forbid, anything were to happen to me, our child would not lack ANYTHING! I'm not just talking material things, but I know she wouldn't lack anything emotionally. I already know that she's going to be "daddy's girl". I can't blame her. Who wouldn't look up to this man with out anything but admiration?

Kenny is the "whole package". Not only is he fun, and loving, and funny, he's also uber responsible. He's a hard worker with a good job. He's definitely a provider for his family. He's money smart. He's honest and always holds true to his word. He's a good person, thru and thru.

Happy Birthday, Kenny! I can't wait to spend your next thirty years with you!

It's been a beautiful weekend to celebrate Halloween. Last night, we went to a party thrown by Miss Tina Marie. I laughed so hard, I made my stomach upset. I have some of the best friends and co-workers in the world. THEY ARE AWESOME and a total blast to hang out with.

Today, my sister is letting me tag along with her and her 3 boys as they go "trick or treating". It may be because I'm their aunty and a little bias, but they are 3 of the best boys in the world. I love being able to hang out with them and since they're only 6, they still like hanging out with me:)

Happy Halloween to all the the ghosts, goblins, and witches out there! Happy All Hallow's Eve, and tomorrow, Happy All Saints Day!

We all have those things we wish we could go back in time and tell ourselves. As I'm contemplating getting older, I find there are a ton of things I wish I could tell myself. Or, at least, tell myself to listen when somebody else told me. As more and more teen suicides are in the news due to bullying, this seems more and more important to pass on. I don't know if any teens will ever listen to an adult. Or realize that they are not alone!

First, I would tell myself, "this too shall pass." There will be so many things in life that get thrown your way. You will be overwhelmed. Emotions will drive you to do some pretty stupid and embarrassing things. Give it a week, a month... IT WILL PASS! Things get sorted out; they get done. Things will calm down and make sense. Sometimes we need to work our butt off to get those things done. Sometimes, things fall into place. What seems like the biggest event in our lives thus far, will turn out to only be a blip on our radar of life.

Be nice. I know it's hard! Trust me. I have a temper and an uncanny ability for words to shoot out of my mouth before my brain can process them. Someone smells bad, or has an annoying laugh, a sense of humor that is not funny to you. Or maybe their always in a bad mood. Sarcastic and rude. Smile. Be friendly. Take the time to talk to them, if only for a few minutes. Don't join in on teasing or gossip about them. Believe me when I say that you will be looked at as the better person. You know those votes you get senior year in high school? Like "best smile" and "most friendly"? Those are the labels you should strive to get. Now, I am not saying to be a push over and let people walk all over you. Exude confidence and self respect. Be assertive when it comes to your personal space and well being. But any time you can, be nice.

Dress your age. Shorts that have your butt cheeks hanging out and shirts down to your nipples- Really? On what planet does a 16 or 17 year old look good while wearing that? Heck! What planet should anyone besides a stripper dress like that? No, it does not make you look older. It does, however, make you look like your easy. And trashy. BTW, take a picture and look at it in a couple of years. You'll want to burn it.

Sex. Of course I'm going to bring up sex! Nine out of ten girls I went to school with lost their virginity in their early teens. Nine outta ten regretted it. Any one of my friends that told me it felt good and they enjoyed it, admitted to lying about it later. It hurts. It's awkward. It's embarrassing. And it's just not worth the emotional upheaval it causes. I don't care if you think you love them. You love them and they love you, they'll wait. You can wait. I'm not going to tell you to wait til marriage. (Although, I can honestly say, I wish I would have.) Wait until your comfortable in your own skin, until your so comfortable with that person that you could have boogers hanging out of your nose and not get embarrassed when they tell you. You also have to think about birth control. Teen moms are not cool. I don't care that they have their own show on MTV. It is not what it's cracked up to be. You think your ready to have sex? Are you ready to talk to your partner about it? Are you ready to go and get tested together before you do anything to make sure you're both protected? Girls- use a form of birth control that you are responsible for. And if it says to take it every day at the same time, DO IT! If you can't manage that, how are you going to manage having sex and all the adult aspects that come with it?? Guys- Always, ALWAYS use a condom. It does not matter if your partner is on the pill. There is only one method that is 100% effective in preventing pregnancy- Abstinence. You know, NOT having sex. Not to mention the array of STD's that can become available to you if you decide not to wrap it. And please, trust me when I tell you that the pull out method is not an effective method. Sex is one of the biggest regrets people have. Try and live so you don't have any.

You are loved. So incredibly much so that you cannot even fathom it. As harsh or out of touch as your parents seem, they will forever be in your corner. They have been through what your going through. They may have twenty or so more odd years to look back on it, but that's why they say retrospect is always 20/20. They do understand. And although they may seem unfair, they are only trying to save you from making the same mistakes they did.

I've had ten years to look back at life at 16. I'm sure when I'm thirty something, I'll look back at my twenties thinking "if only I knew then what I know now..."

My digital camera, a Canon Powershot 10.1 megapixel, broke early July. Ever since then, I have been looking and researching cameras, trying to find one I like. Do I want to go with a compact point and shoot? Something a like my Canon? Or do I want to try a D-SLR?



First, I want to say, I loved everything about my Canon except for the size. It's not a camera you can stick in your purse for a night out on the town. Let's be honest. That is when some of the best candid pics of you and your friends happen! I wouldn't bring it out for fear I would break it or lose it. And where the heck would I put it? I can't leave it around my neck while I try to dance! I loved the speed, ease of use, and different functions that it had built right into it. I've used it on all sorts occasions and rarely come out with a bad shot.



Pretty much the reason's stated above are the reasons I would go with a compact point and shoot. Then I found out I would have to choose between an ion battery or double a's. No way on Earth would I be stuck without a way to recharge my camera fast! How many times have you been out sight seeing and your camera dies? I wanted the double a batteries so I could pack spares and not miss a shot. Of all the models I've looked at, Nikon wins hands down. But even that compared to what I had paled in comparison.



Looking and SLR's, I'm lost. I want to be able to use all the functions my new camera has. Would this kind be to hard to figure out? Would I need to take a class just to work my camera? I am not one of those people that can read something and understand it right away. I do much better if someone shows me how to do it and explains things simply. I'm not an idiot. That's just my learning style. I'm an amateur photographer. I like to take stills, poses, and candids. I love taking funky and unique pictures. This type of camera would allow me to do that. I think I need to go camera shopping and try the camera's "hand's on" to see if this would fit me.



The camera that is winning in my mind is the newer version of the Canon Powershot that I had. I already know how to use it. I love that fact that the LCD screen is variable. It has all the functions I want and it takes great pictures. It sounds like it should be a no brainer. I am one of those people that need to research big purchases and know I'm getting the most for my money. Until I feel confidant in that decision, I'll keep debating.

With a new camera, I want a new photo editing program. I want one that can do all sorts of cool stuff and really enhance the pictures I take. I was looking at one online and really liked it. Until I seen the price. $699!!! I don't even know if I'm willing to spend that much on a camera, let alone software! So, any suggestions for an easy to use, reasonably priced program would be appreciated!

Today my grandpa, Elmer Becker, passed away. I am sad that he died. Not because he was a great man whom I will miss, but because I never got to know whether he was a great man or not. I've never met the man.

My grandma and him divorced long before I was born. Family stories go that he was a drunk that had no problem raising his hand to either his wife or his children. I grew up hearing my dad's story about when his dad threw him out a window for putting too much ketchup on his plate. When I lived in Cold Spring, I found out more about him. The man who owned the store where I rented my first apartment knew him. My grandma and him owned a gas station/bar in town. He said that both of my grandparents liked to drink. My grandpa did have a temper, but when he was sober, he was a good man. He told me a story of when a man fell into the river and my grandpa went in after him and pulled him out. I guess my grandpa lost his shoes in the process!

I know that everyone has a past and most include things that we may not be proud of. I don't judge this man I never met. I feel empathy towards him for not getting to know the kind of adults his kids turned out to be. For never getting to know his grand and great-grandkids. I looked him up a couple of times and was going to contact him. That's when my aunt told me she had and that he did not want anything to do with anyone. He had remarried and had kids with his second wife. That is the only life he wanted to be a part of. I took her statement at face value and didn't press the issue. Now I don't have the chance. I would like to meet my 1/2 aunts/uncles and any cousins I may have. If only once, so that I can learn more about this man that helped create my dad. I would think that they would want to meet my grandpa's "first" family.

I'm going to keep an eye out for his obituary. Since I never got to see him in life, death may be my only chance.


I don't want my kids to ever have a grandparent die not knowing them. I've seen it to often. Now I'm living it. I don't ever want them to go to a funeral thinking " I didn't even really know this person." I am incredibly fortunate that I was close to the grandparents I've lost thus far. Not that I would wish to lose them, but that I don't have any regrets of not knowing them. I spent time with them all. Helped care for them when I could. Really talked to them and got to know them as a person. Not just (excuse the way I'm wording this) "old people" or ancients. They were all young once. They all have a story to tell. They have been through everything we have, are, or will go through. They are the keepers of the past, full of wisdom. Sometimes, they are our biggest role models in this thing we call "life".

I am strong. I am opinionated. I am right. Yes. I see your point. I understand where you're coming from. However, you are still wrong. Arrogant? Yes. Some call me a bitch. Others call me a role model. I know what I want, how I want it, and when. I have never needed your approval. I may bend, but I will never break. I don't apologize for what I believe. I don't try to be "politically correct". I don't waver in my stance. I am me. Beautifully me.

I am graceful. I am tact. I am empathetic. I am caring. I am fiercely loyal to those I love. My sisters are my backbone. My friends, my ground. I cannot stand tall without them. I am a good person with a good heart. My self worth is not dependant on your perception of me. I do my best in whatever situation life brings to me. I am proud. I am worth my weight in gold.

Those that know me, love me. Those that don't, wish they did. I am not perfect. I will never claim to be. I come from a long line of independent, courageous women. I strive to live up to them. I have learned that you really can't judge a person until you've "walked a mile in their shoes". What you may perceive as perfect, isn't. What is flawed, is not.

I am humble. I am honest. I am human. I am dependent on saving grace. I need love. I am a worthy companion. I am a wife, a sister, a best friend. I am me. Beautiful me.

No matter the face I wear, it is me. All me. 100% me. I AM ME!